Sky News viewers have condemned the channel’s use of news alert banners during the ongoing crisis over North Korea’s nuclear ambitions. During yesterday afternoon’s broadcast, the President of the United States was reduced to one eyebrow and well-coiffeured fringe of hair as the banners covered the majority of the screen.

‘It’s been pretty bad for the last twelve months,’ said Mike Leigh, one of the channel’s more ardent viewers. ‘Sometimes a breaking news banner can be on the screen all day, but I say it’s hardly breaking news when it’s five hours after the event. Yesterday really took the biscuit, though. All I could hear was the President’s voice. I couldn’t see him. There were so many banners, they stopped me seeing the very thing they were telling me to watch.’

This rebellion by a normally loyal audience comes only a month after a viewer’s group criticised the channel for reducing the amount of news it covers. ‘Years ago, you’d only get the news repeated every hour,’ said Mr. Leigh, ‘but now, it’s the same bloody headlines every fifteen minutes. Sometimes it feels like they only cover the same half a dozen stories in a day. A bit of variety would be nice.’

Home Secretary, John Reid, today outlined plans to ease prison overcrowding. The Give A Yob A Home initiative will see ordinary households across the UK open their doors to prisoners deemed low risk. ‘By living in the homes of ordinary members of the public, prisoners will be set a better example and help towards their rehabilitation,’ said Mr. Reid. Later in the day he went to see a pilot scheme that has been in operation for the last twelve months in Ridley, East Somerset. Within the local community, a category ‘B’ prisoner, nicknamed ‘Dog’, has been placed in the home of seventy three year old pensioner, Doris Manley.

‘Dog been such a love,’ said Mrs. Manley. ‘He sorted out that problem I had with the window cleaner. And then he helped raise money for the local church. We had hoped for a new steeple but Dog is very persuasive. He’s raised enough money for a new steeple, a church bus, and a bungalow in Spain. We’re the envy of every church in the area.’

Success hadn’t helped TV funnyman Johnny Vegas to lose weight. Until now, that is… After a crash diet consisting of nothing but pickled onions and raw herring, Johnny revealed his new shape at a charity swimwear exhibition in London on Monday. ‘I couldn’t have done it without the help of my celebrity friends,’ said Johnny, adding: ‘It’s a fake tan but it’s the same old Vegas.’ After admitting to a craving for pork scratchings he said: ‘But at least you can’t make fun of me any more because I’m fat!’

Asked about his striking resemblance to David Hasselhoff, Vegas’s confidence crumbled: ‘Oh, is that supposed to be funny?’ he bellowed. ‘You make fun of me because I look like the Knight Rider? So clever that is… But you don’t see me when I go home to my bedsit and go to sleep crying. Oh no. You just like to ridicule those of us who look like the Hoff.’

The BBC tried to put the troubles of one its stars behind them as they launched their new channel idents this week. The new graphics, shown between programmes, are all based around the concept of the circle. ‘Some people say that the circle represents a globe, just like the old BBC logo,’ explained a spokesperson. ‘Yet although each graphic uses a circle as its basic design element, we like to think the circle represents a wedding ring. And just like a marriage, we stand behind our talented stars. We accept that their greatness sometimes comes with a certain amount of folly, but they have a private life that doesn’t stop them from fulfilling their duties for the BBC.’

Graham Norton has made the astonishing admission that he loves taking rugs. ‘It’s an addiction for quality floor covering,’ he explained to Good Housekeeping Magazine. ‘Just hearing the word axminster gets me so excited I just want to go out right away and buy myself lots and lots of rugs.’

The world of celebrity is notorious for its history of surface abuse so experts have already warned Mr. Norton to curb his passion for the shagpile. ‘It’s usually just a fashion thing with these celebrities,’ said Harry Green, an expert in knotted pile addiction from Allied Carpets. ‘They love a nice bit of rug under their feet. After they’ve enjoyed the initial hit of feeling their toes go warm, they settle down and the rugs just become an integral part of their lifestyle. Before they know it, they’re into buying the expensive Persian stuff and that’s when they have a full blown addiction.’

The former leader of the Tory Party recently met his successor to discuss the progress the party have made towards establishing itself as an alternative to the Labour government. In this touching exchange, we are priviledged to witness the decision making process at its most intimate as an old-hand in the political underworld passes on his advice to the man tasked with making the family party ‘legit’ within three years. (Hat tip to The Injured Cyclist for suggesting we should listen in to this conversation)

DON HOWARD

Brown will move against you first. He’ll set up a meeting with someone that you absolutely trust, guaranteeing your safety. And at that meeting, your character will be assassinated. (DON drinks from glass of wine) I like to drink wine more than I used to… Anyway, I’m drinking more than Charles Kennedy these days…

DAVID

It’s good for you, Pop. You’re just like a journalist.
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